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Trauma talk.

2/5/2021

Philippians 4:17
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

This is a real and unedited "Closet Talk" with a friend. Get a bath towel because this is not just a tissue episode, this is a God moment. We allowed ourselves to be naked and unashamed. I am grateful for Pastor Diane Mullins from Calvary Church. Check her out at https://www.calvarychurchhamilton.org/ She is willing to speak at your churches or gatherings.

ACTION STEP: Embrace your relationship with the Lord and allow Him to bring healing to you. Ask for help from others. Embrace friendship. Take off your masks. Make the choice to face you. You're either going to face things, or continue to fight, freeze or flee. I ran when no one was chasing me. Don't wait until you're as old as I am. Do it now. Everyday was work for me, because I was trying to hold it together and be all things to all people. There was a rest I needed to enter into. God has that resting place for you too. I believe in you and I need you to believe in yourself.

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All or nothing thinking caused by abandonment.

2/4/2021

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“Share your weaknesses. Share your hard moments. Share your real side. It'll either scare away every fake person in your life or it will inspire them to finally let go of that mirage called "perfection," which will open the doors to the most important relationships you'll ever be a part of.”
― Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

Today, at the end of the video I will be sharing a video from Dr. Dawn Elise Snipes. I found her doing so research and decided rather than doing a video myself I would include her's. I will be back with you tomorrow with my own YouTube and I will have a surprise for you!

ACTION STEP: If you are wanting to learn more I am including a YouTube video. Chew up the meat and spit out the fat as I don't know this person and am neither endorsing her or dissing her. I am simply sharing the information that I too am learning from. Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRiv4DR9rzw

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Do the hard work. Believe in yourself.

2/3/2021

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Romans 11:29
“The gifts and call of God are irrevocable.”

God does not reverse, or repeal, or cancel His call. The whole point of an omnipotent call that creates what it commands is to guarantee God’s invincible purpose in the lives of His people.

When Christians ask about calling or vocation, it usually means, “Is God calling me to a particular job, profession or type of work?” The reason this question is so significant is because the work we do is important to God. If work is important, it makes sense to ask what work God wants us to do. In the Bible, God does call people to particular work, and gives all people various kinds of guidance for their work. Although Scripture seldom uses the word “call” to describe God’s guidance to jobs, occupations or tasks, these occurrences in the Bible do correspond to vocational “calling.” In the Bible, the concept of calling goes deeper than any one aspect of life, such as work. God calls people to become united with Him in every aspect of life. But this can only happen if we respond to Christ’s call to follow Him.

ACTION STEP: Respond to Father God today from the deepest part of your emotion. Allow Him to bring back that moment you just went to sleep because the pain was too great. You quit trying to be who God called you to be. You quit trying to operate in the gifts and calling God gave to you, so you could give them back to the world. Repent to God for giving up on yourself. Reach up to God and then out to others. I believe in you and you need to believe in yourself.

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Fears associated with Abandonment and Rejection.

2/2/2021

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Psalm 84:10-12 TPT
"For just one day of intimacy with you is like
a thousand days of joy rolled into one!
I’d rather stand at the threshold in front of the Gate Beautiful,
ready to go in and worship my God,
than to live my life without you
in the most beautiful palace of the wicked.
For the Lord God is brighter than the brilliance of a sunrise!
Wrapping himself around me like a shield,
he is so generous with his gifts of grace and glory.
Those who walk along his paths with integrity
will never lack one thing they need, for he provides it all!
O Lord of Heaven’s Armies,
what euphoria fills those who forever trust in you!"

The fear of intimacy, also sometimes referred to as intimacy avoidance or avoidance anxiety, is characterized as the fear of sharing a close emotional or physical relationship. People who experience this fear do not usually wish to avoid intimacy, and may even long for closeness, but frequently push others away or even sabotage relationships.
Fear of intimacy can stem from several causes, including certain childhood experiences such as a history of abuse or neglect, but many other experiences and factors may contribute to this fear as well. Overcoming this fear and anxiety can take time, both to explore and understand the contributing issues and to practice allowing greater vulnerability.

Risk factors for a fear of intimacy often stem back to childhood and the inability to securely trust parental figures, which leads to attachment issues. Experiences that may cause this include:

Enmeshed families: While enmeshed families may, on the surface, appear to be loving and supportive, boundaries and roles might be blurred and lead to issues with attachment, independence, and intimacy.
Emotional neglect: Parents who are physically but not emotionally available send the message to children that they (and by extension, others) can't be relied on.
Loss of a parent: People who have lost a parent through death, divorce, or imprisonment may be left with feelings of abandonment and may have a harder time forming romantic attachments as adults. Research has found that a fear of abandonment is associated with mental health problems and later anxiety in romantic relationships.
Parental illness: Illness in a parent can result in a feeling of not being able to rely on anyone but oneself, especially when it involves role reversal or the need to "play parent" and care for other siblings at a young age.
Parental mental illness: Research suggests that parental mental illness, such as narcissistic personality disorder, can affect attachment formation in children, which may result in insecure attachment and poor coping strategies in adulthood.
Parental substance use: Substance use issues can make it difficult for parents to provide consistent care, which can interfere with the formation of attachments.
Physical or sexual abuse: Abuse in childhood can make it difficult to form both emotional and sexual intimacy as an adult.
Neglect: People who experienced neglect as children may find it difficult to trust and rely on others, including intimate partners, as adults.
Verbal abuse: Children who are emotionally abused may grow into adults who fear being ridiculed or verbally abused if they share anything with others, which can lead to an inability to share things and be vulnerable in relationships with other people.

For more information you can visit this website https://www.verywellmind.com/fear-of-intimacy-2671818

To view the You Tube video click here and don't forget to subscribe to my channel. My goal for 2021 is 1000 viewers. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hp7bjvWwdjE&feature=youtu.be

ACTION STEP: Ask God to help you see how you have kept people out of your life? Ask people if they feel you have ever intentionally hurt them or kept them at a distance. Don't get defensive. Stay open to what they have to say. Then just think about what that shared. You do not have to response. Take your time.

Here is another great article for your continued study on our subject of abandonment. https://www.healthline.com/health/fear-of-intimacy#treatment

2 Peter 3:18 TPT
"But continue to grow and increase in God’s grace and intimacy with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. May he receive all the glory both now and until the day eternity begins. Amen!"

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Two sides of the coin of abandonment.

2/1/2021

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“I need you to feel good about me
so I can feel good about myself. I can’t handle you getting upset with me
because that means
I am bad and you will desert me.”

People who have experienced abandonment feel anything but self-assured. They feel lost, undesired, discarded, insignificant, and helpless. Abandonment is a traumatic shock to your emotional system because you are suddenly cut off from a significant relationship.

Consequently, life post-abandonment involves searching to fill this emotional void. Relationships turn into a minefield of rejection triggers. Your fear of abandonment runs the show and drives your partner away.

You are sensitive, clingy, rigid, manipulative, anxious, and obsessive. The more you overreact and need, the more you despise yourself. You feel ashamed of your desperation.

Because you rely on your partner for stability, you live defensively reacting to whatever your partner does. Basically, life feels out of your control, and you look to your partner to calm the storm.

No doubt that trauma fragments the soul. The journey to put yourself back together is no small feat. But somewhere along the way, you abandoned yourself. You stopped believing yourself. You relinquished your strength and gave your power away to someone else to fix you. You depend on someone else’s reassurance to be your source of peace.

To overcome abandonment, you must reclaim your power and take complete ownership of yourself. Your focus needs to shift from avoiding abandonment to building a strong self. Recovery is a process of letting go of feeling like a victim and accepting the belief that you are a powerful person.

ACTION STEP: 5 Ways to Overcome Abandonment Issues in Relationships

1. Get Clear on Emotional Responsibility

When your abandonment paranoia gets out of control, do you expect your partner to calm your anxiety? If you struggle with abandonment issues, you probably have an intense desire to feel taken care of. This feeling is completely legitimate; however, it will distort your paradigm of personal responsibility.

The deep emotional chasm you feel inside compels you to look to a relationship to be the answer to your problems. For example, you manage your fear of abandonment by placing the responsibility on someone else to behave a certain way to make you feel secure. You panic if that person doesn’t perform perfectly. Your partner becomes your anxiety reliever, and his reassurance is the basis of your security. Consequently, when your partner is having a bad week, you are an emotional wreck.

To stop this emotional reactivity, you need to assume complete ownership of your feelings. People will trigger your insecurities, but it’s not their job to make you feel better about yourself. It’s your responsibility to cultivate a healthy mind that believes the best of yourself.To insist that your partner be emotionally responsible for you is asking that person to take on something that is not within their power to do. Accept 100% accountability for your reactions instead of blaming someone else for your anxiety.

2. Correct Idealistic Expectations
Do you approach relationships with a consumer mentality? Do you assume it’s your partner’s job to fulfill all your needs? Subconsciously, people with an abandonment history are continuously looking to compensate for what they lost in childhood.

When people are hurt, they feel like they are owed something. Enter unrealistic expectations. The burden to repay the past emotional debt is often placed on the significant other. That person is put on a pedestal and clutched tightly. The relationship becomes addictive because that person possesses something you “need.”

Fear of abandonment and love addiction go hand in hand. Love addicts search for that constant “fix.” They use people to make them feel whole. They rely on their partner to be their source of well-being. Unfortunately, the relationship “high” only medicates pain temporarily. For one, this expectation puts an immense amount of pressure on one person. Secondly, you will encounter disappointment because no human being can satisfy every longing in your heart.

To break this toxic dependency, you must change the way you primarily get your needs met. What would it look like if you took full responsibility for your happiness? You need to invest in yourself and purposely create the life you desire. For some, this looks like seeking after God, working with a therapist, joining a small group, traveling, exercising, creating new life goals, learning a new skill, diversifying relationships, or starting a new career.

3. Learn to Self-Validate
Most people who struggle with fear of abandonment are highly reliant on external validation to make them feel confident. They operate from the belief, “I need constant reinforcement to verify that people love me so I can feel good about myself.”

Abandonment wrecks your self-esteem so naturally that there is a huge appeal to look to other people to be your primary source of validation. A deep yearning resides inside your soul to be told, “You’re okay.” There is nothing wrong with accepting affirmation. The problem lies when you cannot function without it and continually need people to resuscitate you emotionally.Do you crumble when your partner disagrees or disapproves of you? Do you spin out of control when you get criticized? The fact is, sometimes we don’t receive the positive feedback we desire. What would it be like if your mood was not controlled by people’s words and behaviors?
Don’t give people the power to determine your self-worth. Learn to anchor yourself instead of relying on others to prop you up. Approval-seeking is a fruitless endeavor; it will never satisfy. Besides, no amount of praise will convince you of your significance if you don’t believe it yourself. When you self-validate, it will force you to get clear on who you really are instead of defining yourself based on how people treat you.

4. Be Authentic
Have you discarded your true self? Do you misrepresent yourself or hold back in relationships? Abandonment can disrupt the development of a person’s individuality because they believe the lie that says they are not good enough. As a result, they adopt counterfeit identities, and their sense of self becomes fluid. They often adjust themselves to fit the desires of people around them.

Individuals who struggle with fear of abandonment are afraid to be authentic in relationships because they think their differences will threaten the stability of the connection. They are willing to lose themselves in exchange for approval and attention. Instead of genuineness, they aim for a watered-down, palatable version of themselves to achieve “sameness.” They appease their partner to avoid causing waves. They believe one wrong word or mistake could cause the relationship to end.
People pleasing will result in a lifetime of walking on eggshells and putting up with bad behavior. Don’t compromise your originality. Abandoning yourself is a toxic preservation strategy. Resilient relationships are created when two differentiated people come together. Hold onto your sense of self in close relationships. Be brave enough to clearly define your identity. Commit to valuing yourself enough so you don’t sell out any longer.

5. Practice Self-Confrontation
Have you sacrificed your integrity to “save” a relationship? Most of the time, the worst in us comes out during conflict. Hurting people hurt others. Individuals who fear abandonment are masters at control. If they can manipulate people, then they can reduce their anxiety of abandonment.

Do you lie and tamper with the facts when your partner finds you at fault? Do you play the victim role to gain sympathy? When your partner confronts you, do you pretend to be confused? Do you shame your partner into spending time with you? Do you attack your partner’s weaknesses to get your way?

Most people would rather turn a blind eye and tolerate their depravity than acknowledge its existence. It’s much easier to blame your partner. “If only he noticed me.” “If she would just listen to me.”

The first person you need to confront is you. Individuals with a strong self admit when they are wrong. To heal from abandonment, you need to become a person who daily self-confronts and takes responsibility for how your actions hurt people.

Self-confrontation is a time of reflection where you examine if your attitudes and behaviors are out of alignment with your core values. You correct personal flaws and take ownership for bad behavior even if there are costs. You change not to get a “certain response” from your partner but to maintain your self-integrity.

The best in you stands up when you confront the worst in yourself. In return, you will gain much self-respect. Resolve to stop dodging responsibility because of your past. Stop blaming, justifying, or making excuses for bad behavior to save face. Just own it.

Take inventory of how unfairly you treat your partner. Boldly admit your culpability in the toxic relationship dynamic. Don’t accept more responsibility than is due, but own your part. Humbly confess your offenses to your partner. No doubt this move will disrupt the status quo, however, sometimes upheaval is necessary to create traction in areas of relationship gridlock.

ACTION STEP: The question remains: will you tolerate discomfort for the sake of growth? Building a strong self will stir up your anxiety. But each time you abstain from reassurance seeking and controlling behaviors, you strengthen your emotional muscles. Can you hold the line with yourself? When you start to over-depend on your partner, will you self-confront and readjust?

Use your relationship insecurity as an opportunity to learn how to transfer your pain into personal growth. What if this abandonment wound is an invitation for you to reorganize yourself into a resilient person? It is only when we test our capacity that we will discover the strength that resides in us.

I want to give credit to Amanda Rowett, MA, LMHC for the information in this article. Here is a link to her profile: https://seattlechristiancounseling.com/counselors/amanda-rowett

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Trauma talk.

All or nothing thinking caused by abandonment.

Do the hard work. Believe in yourself.

Fears associated with Abandonment and Rejection.

Two sides of the coin of abandonment.

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