Blog Archives

How Childhood abandonment and emotional neglect affects adulthood.

1/29/2021

Fathers have the power to make their children turn away in anger.
"Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."
Ephesians 6:4
The way you raise your child will impact their lives forever.
"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."
Proverbs 22:6

The emotionally neglected are some of the strongest adults I have ever met. Yes, it’s hard to believe, but there is a bright side to growing up emotionally ignored. So now I’d like to highlight the particular strengths you likely have if you grew up this way.

The Five Uncommon Strengths of the Emotionally Neglected…

1. Independent: Growing up you knew, even though it was perhaps never said out loud, that you were essentially on your own. Problem with a teacher? You solved it.
Conflict with a friend? You figured it out yourself. Your childhood was a training ground for self-sufficiency. Now, as an adult, you prefer to do things yourself. Because you’re so very competent, the great thing is that for the most part, you can.

2. Compassionate: As a child your feelings were far too often ignored. But that probably didn’t stop you from feeling for others. Research has shown that even young babies feel empathy. I have noticed that many people who were emotionally neglected in childhood have decreased access to their own feelings, but extra sensitivity to other people’s feelings. Compassion is a powerful, healing, and bonding force. And you have it in spades.

3. Giving: Having received a dearth of emotional acknowledgment and validation in childhood, you learned not to ask for things. Part of being independent and compassionate is that you are more aware of others’ needs than you are of your own. So now as an adult, you don’t ask for a lot, but you do give a lot.

4. Flexible: As a child, you were probably not often consulted.
Instead of being asked what you wanted or needed, you had no choice but to adjust to the situation at hand. So now, all grown up, you’re not demanding, pushy or controlling. Instead, you’re the opposite. You can go with the flow far better than most people. And you do.

5. Likable: The people of Childhood Emotional Neglect are some of the most likable in this world. Compassionate, giving and selfless, you are the one your friends seek out when they need help, advice or support. You are there for your family and friends, and maybe even strangers too. Others know that they can rely on you. Are you ever puzzled about why people like you? It’s because you have these five unmistakably lovable qualities. Many CEN people are secretly aware of their great strength, and value it in themselves.
I don’t need help,
I don’t need anything,
I can handle it,
I’ll take care of it,I
’ll be fine with whatever you decide
I’m strong,,,they say.

If this is true of you, the idea of changing yourself can be frightening. You don’t want to feel dependent on anyone, including a therapist, friend or spouse. You’re afraid of appearing needy, or weak, or helpless. You have a grave fear of becoming selfish. But here is the beauty of CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect): Your strengths are so enduring that you can make them even better by balancing them. So, you remain independent, but you lose your fear of depending on someone when you need to. You remain as competent as you’ve always been, but you’re OK with asking for help when you need it. You stay flexible and can go with the flow, but you are also aware and mindful of your own needs. You can still handle things. You’re just as strong as ever. More balanced and more open, you’re still loved and respected by all who know you. And the great thing is that now you also love and respect yourself.

Taken from article by Dr. Jonice Webb

ACTION STEP: Here is a another article to further understand how abandonment affects us as adults. https://www.myjoyonline.com/6-ways-childhood-abandonment-issues-affects-you-into-adulthood/#:~:text=%206%20ways%20childhood%20abandonment%20issues%20affects%20you,behaviors.%0AWhen%20you%20don%E2%80%99t%20know%20what%20to...%20More

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Emotionally neglected children produce emotionally neglected generations.

1/28/2021

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Is the “generational curse” real? Exodus 34:7 says that God “[visits] the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children's children, to the third and the fourth generation” (ESV).
This worries me because my family has some skeletons in the closet — and sometimes I think past sins are playing out again. Does God hold me responsible for something that someone else did?

For most of my life I have prided myself in always being there for others. However, as hard as I tried, I never felt like it was good enough. I was emotionally damaged. Emotionally neglected children grow up with a blind spot about emotions, their own as well as those of others. Through no fault of their own, when they become parents themselves, they’re not aware enough of the emotions of their own children, and they unwittingly raise their children to have the same blind spot. And so on and so on, through generation after generation.

So the world is full of people who always come through for others, who put their own needs aside. They paste those beaming smiles on their faces, put one foot in front of the other and soldier on, giving no hint of how they really feel. (See the Kelly Clarkson video below click here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRuTvA6sylU or view in your Browser)

ACTION STEP: There is more for me to say about childhood abandonment issues, however this article is so good and I don't want to plagiarize so, I have decided just to attach it. Visit me tomorrow for more. Please share, share, share and post and subscribe. My 2021 goal is to have 1,000 you tube viewers bringing wholeness to the Body of Christ one life at a time. Here is an article for your future study. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/abandonment-issues#seeking-help

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Memories of my Grandmother

1/27/2021

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“A grandmother is a mother who has a second chance.”
― Author Unknown

Why is it important to recover from CEN? (Childhood Emotional Neglect)

The way you are treated emotionally by your parents determines how you will treat yourself as an adult. This has been proven over and over again in study after study.
Emotion is an undeniable part of your biology. If you ignore your emotions, you will feel ignored on some level, no matter how much care you give yourself in other ways.
Emotion is the substance of all relationships. If you are not attending to your emotions, you are by-passing a vital source of connection and joy.
Emotional Intelligence has been proven to be more valuable to success in life and work than general intelligence. It’s extremely vital that you know how to name, use and manage emotion, as well as how to deal with it in others.
People who received emotional validation from their parents in childhood are generally able to provide it automatically to their own children. People who didn't receive it enough themselves will likely struggle to provide it as parents. It is vital to recognize what you didn't get yourself so that you can make conscious effort to learn the missing skills, fill your own blind spots, and give your children what you didn't get.

Dr. Jonice Webb
If you do not see the video below click here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUuaP_6S420&feature=emb_logo or view in your Browser. Thank you.

ACTION STEP: Embrace the memories you do have. If your having trouble ask God to give you a memory and wait for it. If we ask God for a fish he doesn't give us a serpent. If we ask the Lord for bread He doesn't give us a stone. God is a Father--a good, good, Father. Learn to embrace and care for your inner child. He or she is still in there. They may have a few wrinkles and cried a few tears, but that little child is still in there. Be good to yourself. Take care of yourself. Applaud yourself when you don't interrupt others, or give them a dismiss you card when they didn't ask for one. Tell yourself "Good job" when you finish the tasks you started. Give others the gift of your time. You can do this. I believe in you. I need you to believe in yourself.

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It's a Jungle out there. Finding our identity among wolves.

1/26/2021

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“Memory… is the diary that we all carry about with us.”
“Memories are special moments that tell our story.”

Strange as it may seem my grandsons' slow me down. Monday is my Sabbath. Often that's the day they visit. I'm usually so tired from Sunday I can willingly vegetate, (very unusual for me). Their giggles and ideas about what we can do during the day, are things I can willingly say, "yes" to. Together we work, eat, rest and just sit. It's in the just sitting that we snuggle and watch a show. Yesterday it was Jungle Book.

It's amazing how this time around watching "The Jungle Book", I found an entirely different story line. Here is how it went: One day, during the dry season, the jungle animals gather to drink the water that remains as part of a truce during a drought that enables the jungle's wildlife to drink without fear of their predators. The truce is disrupted when a fire-scarred and vicious tiger named Shere Khan arrives, detecting Mowgli's scent in the crowd. Consumed by a vendetta against humans for scarring him with fire, he threatens to kill Mowgli at the end of the drought. After the drought ends, the wolves debate whether or not they should keep Mowgli. Mowgli decides to leave the jungle for the safety of his pack. Bagheera volunteers to guide him to the nearby "man-village". At this time I realized the Holy Spirit is a lot like Bagheera. He wanted what was best for Mowgli and tried to guide him and encourage others to do the same. He stayed with Mowgli until the end. I realized that even though Mowgli was abandoned, he was family with the wolves. Interestingly to me it was among wolves Mowgli felt safe and would have stayed with. I was realizing when abandoned and having lost his identity Mowgli had to keep his "tricks" (the things a human does because they think and have a brain) a secret. This is where I sat up and thought... often times in my life I tried not to be too good at a sport because my brothers weren't as good. A parent would have said, "It's okay they are younger--be your best--they will learn, they will catch-up, it's okay, be your best." Somehow, I thought as a pre-teen it would be better to be invisible. That was when I decided it was better to blend in than to stand out. When we don't learn from our parents that being athletic, smart, imaginative, etc. is okay, we can't decide to make a better choice, a new decision on what's the right thing to do?

Yes, time out with my lil men is healing. We bring out the best in one another. I am grateful for the day.

I know it's a jungle out there but I am not afraid of Shere Khan nor am I Shere Khan. I intend to be more like Mowgli and get everyone in the Jungle to work together to put out fires and save lives! (Watch The Jungle Book) To see the video below watch in your Browser or click here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Nhi32Y3jQc&feature=emb_logo

ACTION STEP: Take time out to find the child inside of yourself. When was the last time you watched a children's movie? Set your "To do" list aside for at least a few hours a week. Daily divert. Weekly with-drawl. Annually abandon. The body needs a rest so the brain can remember and learn. Allow yourself the gift to see though the eyes of a child again, the Jungle doesn't have to be scary and we can find our true identity among wolves.

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Lack of childhood memories.

1/25/2021

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“Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.”

I never have had many childhood memories. When I did have a memory it was like a snap shot. It was there, but nothing was connected to it. It hung in the air like an isolated event. I couldn't connect the frames. Once I realized that the neglect I experienced as a child was the root cause, I no longer got tense and anxious about what I couldn't recall. I wasn't stupid. I wasn't crazy. I was neglected. Even saying the words was hard for my "self" to hear. But, when I realized my neglect affected everyone around me and all my relationships, I wanted to receive healing. Here is a link to an article that began a journey of learning for me. It is about being neglected as a child. https://drjonicewebb.com/cen-tips/

I can honestly say, I am starting to enjoy learning about myself because it is opening up a door to help others, that I never thought of. God knows where you are an expert, even though you may not realize what you have learned. I just dodged through life never looking back. Sure I was abandoned over and over again, but hey I'm tough was my attitude; so what's your problem? I had very little empathy or mercy. Now, it is totally the opposite. I finally realize that the way my thirteen year old self reacted, was to protect self at all cost. The way my sixty-plus year old self is responding is so very different, and for the better. I don't have to protect myself and everyone else anymore. God's got me, and I finally just fell forward into His arms and allowed Him to explain some things.

God is the best at defining our moments! Here is a link to the video below if it doesn't show up here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1RVeyV4_fmk&feature=youtu.be You can also view in your Browser.

ACTION STEP: Allow yourself to have some quiet time. I have found that people that are abandoned don't do much introspection. I myself only rarely even give myself permission to think about my childhood. I am learning that what I avoid is actually a clue to what I am to do. The enemy of my soul would much prefer me to continue to wander in Egypt than enter into my promise land. We have to let go, to take what God has for us. For some of us we don't even know what to let go of? Getting quiet before God and asking Him to define my past experiences and why I have certain memories has helped me. I am finding big gaps in my memories, can help to open doors to God, so He can speak to me about that single framed memory. It can also trigger pleasant memories and allow me to file them properly for easy retrieval, at a later date. When we lose our memories, we lose both good and bad memories. That's not something I am okay with anymore.

If you are saying, "Yeah me neither," you are not alone in your journey. I recently learned for instance, why I constantly find myself finishing other people's sentences. Now that I know why, I find I am able to refrain; instead of thinking that it is just the prophetic in me. What we tell ourselves is not always the truth, but if we tell ourself it often enough--we will begin to believe it. Challenge yourself to find out why you do the things you do, then it will be easier to make the changes to better a better version of you. I can do this, and so can you.

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Dream Big! Let your light shine and stay on fire.

1/22/2021

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"That which is to give light must endure burning."
— VIKTOR FRANKL
Here is the link to the video below so click here or view in your Browser:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgStuP0MK1w&t=9s

I've been burned. When you have been burned you have a healthy fear of fire. You know how painful it is to be burned. Being burned is not something you want to a have a "do over" in. Right? So, we protect ourselves from the source of pain. The problem is we label lots of things, (people included) a source of pain, when in reality they haven't burned us "yet," nor do they want to. Yet, we snuffed out the relationship before it got too close. Why? We were afraid. Someone once said to me, "I pray I am around when you are no longer afraid." I thought about that. I have never quit thinking about that. I think I am only now coming to understand what he was talking about. I had buried abandonment so far under the layers of who I am, I had convinced myself it never affected me. I believed I was fine. I told myself I was fine. I tried to show the world I was fine, which only kept me far from the fire. We are called to be light. Often times we must embrace the fire to stay lit!

God told Moses to take his shoes off, where the flame was, was Holy Ground. The idea was that God was so holy, that anything unholy would be consumed, destroyed by God's holiness. Thus Deuteronomy 4:24 says God is a consuming fire. There, the angel of the LORD appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up. Then he said, "I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob." At this, Moses hid his face, because he was afraid to look at God. At times I think we have all have been afraid to look at God, because of what we may see? I think I was a little like Moses, I was afraid to take a good look at God in that He might ask me a question I couldn't answer, or to do something I feel incapable of doing. Abandonment opens us up to fear. Could have Moses had a spirit of abandonment since his mother gave him up? Even though he was drawn out, he was still abandoned by his mother as a very young age.

Abandonment has caused a lot of fear in my life. However, God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind. I am taking hold of what God has given me and letting go of what the enemy would have me to hold on to. Anyone else? God can do though us what we can not do through ourselves. When we are weak He is strong! I'm ready for a burning bush encounter! I am dreaming BIG!

ACTION STEP: Spend some time seeking God about what your fears are. Once Father reveals those fears to you, ask Him to show you where they came from and then go back there and conquer those fears. God will be with you. He will be the banner over you and you will obtain the victory. It has not been easy for me, but it is a journey I am glad I have began. I have a new appointment, I heard a new announcement from my Father and I am on an assignment. See you Monday. Have a great weekend.

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Not being picked but rather, passed over.

1/21/2021

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1 Peter 1:2-4
"You were chosen by God the Father long ago. He knew you were to become His children. You were set apart for holy living by the Holy Spirit. May you obey Jesus Christ and be made clean by His blood. May you be full of His loving-favor and peace. Let us thank the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. It was through His loving-kindness that we were born again to a new life and have a hope that never dies. This hope is ours because Jesus was raised from the dead. We will receive the great things that we have been promised. They are being kept safe in heaven for us. They are pure and will not pass away. They will never be lost. (I add they will never be abandoned, not picked.)

I just wanted what I had worked so hard for. I didn't understand adult life and decisions. I was a high school girl that worked hard to make the squad. I'd been like all the other girls until I wasn't anymore. I was the girl whose Mom left her. I was the girl who was being raised by her Dad because, her Mom didn't want her. I was "That" girl. I was the one that didn't get to go places and play anymore because I was needed to take care of my brothers, because Daddy worked and Mom abandoned us. I guess the cheerleading coach decided that I was a liability now, not an asset; so I didn't get picked my senior year. I was devastated. That was the one thing I enjoyed. The one thing that was fun. I belonged on the squad and then--I didn't. Abandoned yet again. Unwanted yet again. The lies shouted louder. You're not good enough. You're not worthy. You're bad. No one really wants you--even your own mother didn't want you. Suicidal thoughts would come and torment me. Would I ever be wanted? Would I be better off dead? Does anybody care?

My brother almost 4 years younger took to the outside chores like mowing grass, the next brother had a hot temper and did what he wanted, he was the tinker always fixing things, the next brother in line was always willing to help, and the baby brother--well he was the baby. No one expected him to do anything, after all he was the baby. I have very few memories of my childhood, from after my mother left. The memories before she left are sparse, but there are a few, mostly either camping and fishing with the entire family, a few favorite Christmases, or painful memories I wish I could forget.

ACTION STEP: If you haven't already forgiven authority figures in your life that have hurt or disappointed you, now is the time. Forgive your parents if they wounded you or abandoned you. Perhaps, someone violated you or failed to meet your physical or emotional needs, let it go--let them go. Try to understand "The why?" they did what they did. Ask yourself, "What happened to them that made them the way they are? That caused them to do what they did?" The answers will often surprise you. If they aren't alive or around well, ask God. You'd be amazed at what He is just waiting to share with you.

Next week I will talk more about my step-mothers, and the turns my life took, to get to where I am today. Never give up! God picks you. You are the apple of God's eye. Jesus gave His life for you. You are special. God has a purpose for your life. What happened to you as a child is not your fault, but figuring how out it affects you as an adult and everyone around you, is your responsibility. No one can fix you, but you and God. God won't do what you won't allow Him to do. Giving God permission to heal you may require you hurt more at first, but healing will come; after all He is the Healer.

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"Can you imagine?" You don't have to go it alone.

1/20/2021

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Deuteronomy 31:6
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Here is the link for the You Tube video below if it does not show up or you can view in your Browser: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRczlN-pFOE&feature=emb_logo

Welcome back to my timeline story. I'm picking up today where I left off, and continuing through my high school years. If you did your time line, or you plan to your going to want to hear this today.

When we go through things we are able to take others through. The broken become masters at mending. We learn that the things we have to go without--we want to make sure others don't have to. I wanted to give my children and those I love everything I had to go without. The problem with this scenario is they didn't have to go without it, so they don't want or need what your so willing to supply. So, once again you are left feeling rejected, unwanted and unfulfilled. Coupled with that times change so people want different things. Maybe you wanted a Nintendo? Well, now they want an iPhone or a MAC. Giving someone a Nintendo when they want an iPhone is not going to make them happy.

ACTION STEP: Emotional needs are much the same in that not everyone needs, or wants the same attention, gifts, time, or affirmation. We are all different. If you haven't read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, I would highly suggest it. Then, if you are not familiar with the Bible, I suggest you doing a word search on all the "I am's" in the entire 66 books. This can really help one see the vastness of God's love for us. You and I will get through the things that the enemy intended to destroy us. We are victorious, even though it may be victory in process. I believe in you, now I want you to believe in yourself.

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It was not my fault, but it is my fight.

1/19/2021

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Numbers 14:18
"The LORD [is] longsuffering, and of great mercy, forgiving iniquity and transgression, and by no means clearing [the guilty], visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth [generation]."

My time line began before I was born when my grandmother lost both her parents in the Plaque of 1918, and she became an orphan. My grandmother was the only one of her siblings that was adopted. Then, when she and Grandpa Floyd had four children of their own he went off to work in the mines, and never came home. My grandmother was abandoned twice, once by her parents and now by her husband. It was not her fault but it was her fight. My mother was two years old when she lost her father Floyd Metheny, at the age of thirty years old, in the Osage #3 mine explosion in 1942 that was owned by Christopher Coal. Now, not only was my grandma abandoned by her husband, but my mother was abandoned by her father, my grandpa. It was not her fault but it was her fight. Then, in 1955 December 31st my grandmother was locked in a barn, and the barn was set on fire. There were eye witnesses but, no one was ever arrested for the murder, due to injustice. My mother was pregnant for me. I wasn't due for a few more months, so my mother had to be medicated. Now, my father was abandoned, and once I was born two months later, my mother abandoned me for a time. She just couldn't focus on me, I reminded her of the loss of her mother. Daddy told me when we finally went back home, the Christmas Tree needles were brown and laid upon the floor--it was April. Abandonment was not my fault but it is my fight. Too young to know or do anything yet, my childhood memories were stripped from me. My body and soul remember but only when triggered; then I react from the tenderness of the wound. The triggers that I have today stemmed from before I was born. Abandoned people many times abandon people; and hurt people--hurt people.

I will continue my time line tomorrow. Here is a link to my You Tube Video: https://youtu.be/vzEmWol-oxI Please hit the Subscribe Button. Also, please subscribe to this Blog and pass it along to those that you feel would be helped.

ACTION STEP: Scripture explicitly tells us that “the son will not share the guilt of the father, nor will the father share the guilt of the son.”
(Ezekiel 18:20).

I have had to renew my mind, so that I do not feel guilty, or take the blame, for what happened to me in my life. I am learning to quit giving people an out to abandon me, before they have even thought to abandon me; because most of the time they have not. That insults people. I never wanted to push people away, or insult them, but I didn't trust. So, rather than wait for others to dismiss me, I set myself up to be dismissed; leaving many wounded in my wake--mostly me. Thank God, for the Word of God and the power of God to heal me and free me. What God did for me, He will do for you. There is an answer and a healing through Jesus Christ.

While the notion of generational curses is foreign to Scripture, there is a sense in which the curse of sin has been passed on from generation to generation. Through the first Adam, “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). Through the second Adam—Jesus Christ—atonement is offered to all. Says Paul, “Just as the result of one trespass was condemnation for all men, so also the result of one act of righteousness was justification that brings life for all men” (Romans 5:18). Through no act of our own we are condemned; likewise, through no act of our own, we are saved (Romans 5:12–21).

Get the facts before you put those foundation stones in concrete. It's not what happened to you it's what you do with what happens to you that has the greatest impact! Leave a legacy with what you've been given.

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How abandonment is affecting me today.

1/18/2021

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"It sounds corny, but I've promised my inner child that never again will I ever abandon myself for anything or anyone else again."
Wynonna Judd

Here is the You Tube video link if it does not show up: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5OYxd4J8xco&feature=youtu.be You can also view this blog in your Browser.

I buried years of abandonment issues, and only now as I approach my 65th Birthday am I beginning to unwrap my life's events. I enrolled in a course that I believed would help me to help others in writing, speaking, and in their businesses. I learned all of that, but I also learned a lot about myself. That was a surprise. The last three months have been a lot of work, not just class room work, but Zoom meetings, writing papers, and research, taking time to go back to the beginning of my life; and do a timeline of significant events. I've done it before. I know timeline exercises work.
But this time I didn't just do the timeline and move on, I had to share it with my classmates, and their reactions to my story took me off guard. I had just did the exercise as if it were for someone else, but when I shared it in class, out loud, their reactions and comments awakened to me, that it was my life. I had lived this timeline. I had been abandoned over and over and over again; from before conception all the way through my adult life.

Some of their comments were, "I bet you're really clingy to your husband?" My knee jerk response was, "No, not at all." Someone else said, "So, I guess you have a really hard time trusting us?" I smiled kindly into the computer screen protecting myself from being exposed and just listened. I wanted to cry, but wasn't sure what nerve they had hit for what seemed like an eternity, as pain well up and tried to run out my eyes. As others started to share, I realized for the first time I was an adult struggling with abandonment issues from my childhood--and those issues were keeping me from being my best self, and forbidding others from seeing the real me.

It was not easy as an adult seeing all the tragedy in my family lineage. I wondered why so many of the women had experienced abandonment. This made me study everything I could find on the subject. I continue to learn all I can, and have begun to write a book on the subject. I have learned that once you can feel it--you can heal it. I had been protecting myself for so long from feeling anything. I had guarded all my buttons, afraid of who might push them. Then, I learned it's not who or what pushes your buttons, but who programed you? If I was programed once, then I can be re-programed. I went to the word of God but, I also went to the Lord Himself; and some good people in the field that could help me. What I am learning is so much more than what I had enrolled in the class to learn. It was a set-up by God, and I am so grateful for the set-up; because only now can I share what I have learned with you.

ACTION STEP: Do a timeline of significant events in your life. Do it in increments. Take zero to five years old, five to ten years old, and keep going on a horizontal line. Writing events down as you remember them. I have very few childhood memories, but children of trauma don't remember a lot about their early years. So, just write what you can remember, and keep going. Here are some examples to get you thinking. I will be back tomorrow to share another significant event in my life timeline.