People with abandonment issues often struggle in relationships, exhibiting symptoms such as codependency, an inability to develop trust, or even the tendency to sabotage relationships.
I never dreamed I was affected so deeply.
But, I am learning I never knew what an expert I was becoming in the field and how I would be able to pick myself up and then extend my hand to others.
I never dreamed I was affected so deeply.
But, I am learning I never knew what an expert I was becoming in the field and how I would be able to pick myself up and then extend my hand to others.
Good parenting provides children with the security of knowing that they're loved and accepted for their unique self, by both parents, and that both parents want a relationship with them. Parental failure to validate these feelings and needs is a trauma of emotional abandonment. We may not realize that we were emotionally abandoned as a child, particularly if our parents met our physical and material needs. However, clients often tell me that they felt their family didn't understand them, that they felt different from the rest of the family or like an outsider. What is being described is the trauma of invisibility. This can also emerge when parent-child interactions revolve around the parent: The child is serving the parent's needs, instead of the other way around, which is a form of abandonment. Even if a parent says, "I love you," the child may still not feel close or accepted for who he or she is as a separate individual, apart from the parent. Love may be conditional and doled out only when a child complies or performs to a parent's liking.
Emotional abandonment in childhood can happen in infancy if the primary caretaker, usually the mother, is unable to be present emotionally. This is often because she’s replicating her own childhood experience, but it may also be due to stress or depression. It’s important for a baby’s emotional development that the mother attunes to her child’s feelings and needs and reflects them back. She may be preoccupied, cold, or unable to empathize with her baby's success or upsetting emotions. The baby then ends up feeling alone, rejected, or deflated. The reverse is also true: Sometimes a parent gives a child a lot of attention, but isn’t attuned to what the child actually needs.
Abandonment can happen later, too, when children are criticized, controlled, unfairly treated, or otherwise given a message that they or their experience is unimportant or wrong. Children are vulnerable, and it doesn’t take much to make a child feel hurt and abandoned. Abandonment can also occur when a parent confides in a child or expects him or her to take on age-inappropriate responsibilities. At those moments, the children must suppress their feelings and needs to meet the needs of the adult.
A few incidents of emotional abandonment don’t harm children’s healthy development, but when they’re common, they can cause internalized shame that leads to intimacy issues and codependency in adult relationships. As adults, we may be emotionally unavailable — or attracted to someone who is. We risk continuing a cycle of abandonment that replicates our abandoning relationships and we can be easily triggered to feel abandoned.
© Darlene Lancer, 2012, 2014.
To see the video below click here or view in your Browser.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-G99VigjJVo&feature=youtu.be
Emotional abandonment in childhood can happen in infancy if the primary caretaker, usually the mother, is unable to be present emotionally. This is often because she’s replicating her own childhood experience, but it may also be due to stress or depression. It’s important for a baby’s emotional development that the mother attunes to her child’s feelings and needs and reflects them back. She may be preoccupied, cold, or unable to empathize with her baby's success or upsetting emotions. The baby then ends up feeling alone, rejected, or deflated. The reverse is also true: Sometimes a parent gives a child a lot of attention, but isn’t attuned to what the child actually needs.
Abandonment can happen later, too, when children are criticized, controlled, unfairly treated, or otherwise given a message that they or their experience is unimportant or wrong. Children are vulnerable, and it doesn’t take much to make a child feel hurt and abandoned. Abandonment can also occur when a parent confides in a child or expects him or her to take on age-inappropriate responsibilities. At those moments, the children must suppress their feelings and needs to meet the needs of the adult.
A few incidents of emotional abandonment don’t harm children’s healthy development, but when they’re common, they can cause internalized shame that leads to intimacy issues and codependency in adult relationships. As adults, we may be emotionally unavailable — or attracted to someone who is. We risk continuing a cycle of abandonment that replicates our abandoning relationships and we can be easily triggered to feel abandoned.
© Darlene Lancer, 2012, 2014.
To see the video below click here or view in your Browser.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-G99VigjJVo&feature=youtu.be
ACTION STEP: Denial or shame about our feelings and needs often stems from emotional abandonment in childhood and can cause communication and intimacy problems. Start asking questions. I mean real questions to people who love you and whom you trust (well as much as you are able.) Ask questions like, "Do I push you away?" "Have I ever moved away from you when you tried to be close?" "Can you tell when I am self-protecting myself from being abandoned again or being close?"
I notice some people just check out. They are present but they went some where. They disassociate and go into their own world. Many times they use TV, a book, a cell phone or a tablet and such to take the conversation away from their uneasiness. When they feel awkward they may get up and start cleaning, or working. Many times they have a problem just sitting and talking.
So, if you catch yourself doing any of these stop. Stop and listen. Stop and feel. Stop, just stop, and refocus on how you are feeling and why? You may be able to recenter yourself and identify why you left and never went anywhere. Do the work. Most people won't so they never change. So, the abandonment and neglect go to the next generation. Stop the damage. Start a new dance even if you have to dance alone, because in reality if you don't; others have to dance around you...alone.
I notice some people just check out. They are present but they went some where. They disassociate and go into their own world. Many times they use TV, a book, a cell phone or a tablet and such to take the conversation away from their uneasiness. When they feel awkward they may get up and start cleaning, or working. Many times they have a problem just sitting and talking.
So, if you catch yourself doing any of these stop. Stop and listen. Stop and feel. Stop, just stop, and refocus on how you are feeling and why? You may be able to recenter yourself and identify why you left and never went anywhere. Do the work. Most people won't so they never change. So, the abandonment and neglect go to the next generation. Stop the damage. Start a new dance even if you have to dance alone, because in reality if you don't; others have to dance around you...alone.
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